yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
