i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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