Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
