Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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