Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
