i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
