Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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