This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I smell stomach acid.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
