Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
