Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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