i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
