I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
