My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
