I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
