living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
