foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
