SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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