the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
