He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
3 2 1 whiskey
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
