She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
