i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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