Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I checked into jail on foursquare
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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