you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
