it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
