My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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