Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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