I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
