She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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