Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
