she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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