Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
