the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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