using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
