I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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