I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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