we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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