Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's never too late to be topless.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
