He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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