talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
