MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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