Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
