I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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