wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
