A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
