Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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