You smell like a Billy Joel song
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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