apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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