Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
