Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
