Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
