I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
