When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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